How to Act Cool (and Not Suspicious) Around Police Cars

Few things in life will make you question your entire existence like being next to or tailgated by a police car. You've done nothing wrong, but somehow the mere presence of a police officer turns you into a sweaty ball of nerves, convinced that they can see through your skin and into your very soul. Relax. This guide is for you.

Part 1: The Red Light Standoff

It happens to the best of us. You’re driving along, minding your own business, when you roll up to a red light and there it is—a police car, stopped right next to you. Now, suddenly, the world feels like it’s slowed to a crawl. You’ve never felt this amount of stress and pressure to just be. But don't panic! Follow these steps to maintain your cool and not look like you’re about to confess to an unsolved murder.

Step 1: The Glance Dilemma

There’s a police car right there—do you look at them or pretend they don’t exist? You know they’re there, but you don’t want to look like you’re too interested. Here's what you do:

• Start by staring at the traffic light like it holds the meaning of life. You’re just a normal person, waiting for a normal light to turn green.
• Now, for the trick: The Nonchalant Side-Eye. You’re going to give the cop a quick glance, but not too quick—like you’re just casually taking in your surroundings. This glance should last no longer than 0.7 seconds. If you stare too long, it’s suspicious. If you don’t glance at all, they might think you’re hiding something.

Pro Tip: Never make direct eye contact. You don’t need that kind of stress in your life. If you accidentally lock eyes with the officer, you might as well start thinking about which prison gang you’d most likely fit in with.

*How To Choose Your Prison Gang: a survival guide - coming soon.

Step 2: Posture Crisis

Your driving posture right now is more important than the outcome of the red light. Slouching? Too relaxed. Stiff? Too guilty. You want to land somewhere in between:

• Straighten your back—you’re a responsible citizen! You sit up for the law!
• But wait, don’t be too upright or you’ll look like you’re attending traffic court in your own car. That’s suspicious.

Ideal hand placement:

• Left hand at 10 o’clock, right hand at 2. This is Driving 101 and shows you were paying attention in driver’s ed. If you're a rebel who usually drives with one hand, now is not the time to flex your nonchalance. Both hands on the wheel.

Important: Don't adjust your mirrors right now. In fact, don't touch anything that could even remotely look like you're hiding a secret compartment full of grenades and cocaine.

Step 3: Keep Your Face Under Control

This is not the moment for emotional range. Whatever thoughts and feelings are happening inside your head, they need to be kept under lock and key. You want a neutral expression—a look that says, "I’ve never broken a law in my life, officer."

• Don’t smile—smiling makes you look like you're trying too hard to seem innocent, which is guilty behavior.
• Don’t frown—frowning makes you look like you’re thinking too hard about how not to get caught.
• You’re aiming for a relaxed, “I’m just a civilian in my car” vibe. If this makes you feel robotic, congratulations, you’re doing it right.

Step 4: Radio Silence

This is where you need to decide—are you the kind of person who cranks their music at a stoplight, or do you like it quiet? Wrong. Neither is an option.

• Too loud? It feels like you’re overcompensating, trying to drown out the sound of your inner guilt with obnoxious coolness.
• Too quiet? Now it feels like you’re carefully listening for something—like police sirens, or Miranda Rights for instance.

Find a perfect middle ground. Turn the volume down just enough that if the cop pulled up next to you and asked you a question, you wouldn’t have to fumble with the knob like you're disabling a bomb—WHICH YOU’RE NOT!

Part 2: The Tailgate Terror

You check your mirror. Oh no. There it is—a police car trailing you like you’re in a bad reality show. This is where your every move feels scrutinized. Suddenly, you’re hyper-aware of every mile per hour, every blink, every lane change. But don’t lose your cool. You’ve got this.

Step 1: Speed

First things first, go exactly the speed limit. I don’t care if the flow of traffic is flying by you like you’re standing still. You will go the limit and not a mile per hour over or under. But—and this is important—you need to look like you’re driving the speed limit because you always do, not because you’re terrified of being pulled over.

• If you were going 5 mph over before the cop appeared, now is not the time to slam on your brakes. Gradually ease down to the limit so it seems like you’re just a responsible citizen.
• Going too slow? Now you look sketchy, like you're worried about your unpaid parking tickets from 2006.

Step 2: The Rear-view Mirror Temptation

It's natural to want to check your rear-view mirror constantly when a cop is behind you. Don’t. This is a rookie mistake. Excessive mirror-checking screams, “I’m worried you’re on to me!”

• You can glance every now and then, just like you’re doing your regular driving checks. A casual, once-in-a-while look will suffice.
• Never stare. Staring in the mirror is the equivalent of waving a white flag that says, “I think I’m guilty but I don’t know of what.”

Bonus Tip: Keep an eye on your side mirrors too, just for that extra sprinkle of “I’m an attentive driver.” But again, don’t be a mirror-obsessed lunatic.

Step 3: Turn Signals

If you need to make a turn, this is a potential minefield of awkwardness. Signal too early, and it looks like you’re planning an escape route. Signal too late, and it looks like you’re reckless.

• Flick your blinker on at exactly the right moment—approximately 100 feet before the turn.
• When turning, don’t accelerate like you’re in a Fast and Furious movie trying to dodge a tail. Make a smooth, normal-person turn that says, “I’m not going anywhere exciting, officer. Just to the grocery store, like a responsible adult.”

Step 4: The Brake Check Panic

You’re approaching a stop sign or red light with the cop still riding your bumper. Do not—I repeat—do not brake too hard. This is the quickest way to make it look like you’re nervous.

• Apply your brakes gently. You want a smooth deceleration, as though you've been practicing for the “Most Normal Driver in the World” contest.
• Once stopped, pray that your brake lights are visible and definitely working. Now is not the time for a malfunction that gives them a reason to speak to you.

Conclusion

Remember, acting cool around cops is an art, not a science. It's all about finding that perfect balance between looking like you belong on the road and not looking like you’re hiding an entire underground dog wellness operation involving illegal mushroom powder toppers. Follow these steps, and soon you'll glide through every police encounter like the zen master of civilian coolness you were always meant to be