How To Make People Think You're Helpful Without Actually Helping

In today’s fast-paced world, the illusion of helpfulness is much more efficient than actual effort. Here’s your step-by-step guide to looking like the most generous person in the room, while doing absolutely nothing useful. You’ll be a saint in no time, or at least, you’ll look like it.

Step 1: Master the "Let Me Know if You Need Anything"

This is the Swiss Army knife of not being helpful. It sounds supportive, it’s vague, and it’s an easy way to offload the responsibility back onto the person who’s actually struggling. And if they do ask for something, you can always say, “Oh, I didn’t realize you meant right now!”

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Step 2: Use Empowering Speech

Why actually solve problems when you can simply tell people you're empowering them to do it themselves? Use phrases like, "I'm here to support you on your journey" or "You’ve got this, I believe in you!" It’s like cheerleading, but from a distance. You can even do it on your phone while in the bathroom.

Step 3: Repeat Their Problem Back to Them

This is a classic. When someone explains their issue, just repeat it right back at them. “So what you’re saying is… you’re overwhelmed with all the tasks on your plate?” Now nod meaningfully. This creates the illusion you’re actively engaged when really, you’re just making sure they know you know what their problem is, not how to fix it.

Step 4: "Have You Tried...?"

Offer broad and obvious suggestions. "Have you tried Googling it?" or "Maybe just take a deep breath?" If they have tried it already, you can nod sagely and say, “Ah, I see, that’s tough.”

Step 5: Always Be 'Busy'

If anyone dares to ask for actual help, the key is to seem super busy without actually doing anything. “I’d love to help, but I’m just swamped right now.” Use a lot of sighs and mentions of back-to-back meetings. No one will ever ask what those meetings are about, they’ll just admire your hustle.

Step 6: Send a Link

Find a semi-relevant article or outdated blog post that barely touches on the issue at hand, and send it over like you just handed them the Holy Grail. “Here’s a great resource I found that might help!” They won’t read it, and you won’t care.

Step 7: Procrastinate on Their Behalf

If someone asks you to handle something, tell them you’ll “get to it first thing tomorrow,” then never do. The key here is to always be “just about” to help. That way, it looks like you’re on top of it without ever being on top of it.

Step 8: Schedule a Meeting

Set up a meeting to discuss the problem, drag out the conversation, and make vague suggestions. By the end, everyone will feel like they accomplished something, but nothing will have actually been done.

Step 9: Use Fake Empathy

A simple “I totally understand how hard this must be for you” goes a long way. Look them in the eye, tilt your head slightly, and sigh sympathetically. This implies you get it without ever lifting a finger.

Step 10: The 'I’m Working on It' Defense

When people start following up on that thing you never got around to, hit them with: “Oh, yeah! I’m totally working on that. I just want to make sure I get it right.” This buys you more time, while they think you're meticulously crafting a solution. Spoiler alert: You're not.

Step 11: Delegate Back

Want to really seal the deal? Offer to “delegate” the task back to the person who asked for help in the first place. Say something like, “You know, you might be the best person to handle this, you know all the details better than anyone!”

Step 12: Be Enthusiastically Useless

This is the crown jewel. Whenever someone presents a problem, smile brightly and say, “That’s such a great question!” Nod a lot, sprinkle in some motivational platitudes, and walk away feeling proud of yourself for being so “involved.”

Bonus Tip: Public Praise

If someone else actually does the work you were supposed to help with, make sure you publicly praise them. Not only does this shift the spotlight, but it makes you look like a team player who encourages others, even when your only real contribution was stepping aside.

Congratulations! With these simple steps, you can appear to be the most helpful, supportive person around, and without contributing anything.

The Sour Milk is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.