(What would probably happen) Dining at an authentic Ethiopian Restaurant.
[The WAITRESS seats me and my friend Mike on an African rug on the floor]
ME: Where's the tables and chairs?
WAITRESS: This is an authentic Ethiopian dining experience.
Mike: No forks?
WAITRESS: I'll bring you some water.
ME: This is actually kinda nice.
[WAITRESS returns with two glasses of water]
[Close up of PARASITES in the water]
PARASITE 1: Don't mind us.
PARASITE 2: Just pretend we're not even here.
ME: Mike I wouldn't drink the w-
[MIKE drinks his glass of water]
PARASITE 2: Weeeeeee!
[INSIDE MIKE’S BODY]
INTESTINES: Well hello, who do we have here? I will be your host hehehe.
PARASITE 2: You can call me Necator Americanus. I'm going to make you bleed from your anus!
MIKE: My tummy doesn't feel very good.
[I’m covered in mosquito bites]
ME: I think there might be a mosquito problem in here.
[I calls the WAITRESS]
ME: Excuse me, waitress?
[WAITRESS comes over]
ME: I hate to be a bother, but my friend and I have been waiting for some menus.
WAITRESS: Menus?
ME: You know, those little books that tell us what food we can order?
WAITRESS: Food? I'm sorry but I don't understand.
[MIKE keels over with blood coming out of his ass]
ME: Restaurant. This is a restaurant. Food? Food is served in a restaurant?
WAITRESS: Oh! Yes! Food! The things that people eat!
ME:Yes! Yes!! I am so hungry!
WAITRESS: Oh yes! Other people eat this.
ME: What do you mean other people eat this? I want to eat this!
WAITRESS: No we do not have this.
ME: What do you mean you do not have this? You're a restaurant! And I'm starving!
WAITRESS: This is an Ethiopian restaurant. We don't have this food here.
ME: Oh no. Mike, wake up! We've gotta get out of here before we starve to death!
[I’m pushing MIKE to wake him up]
ME: Come on Mike, I'm gonna help you up.
[I barely manage to stand MIKE up]
MIKE: What, where am I?
ME:: You're in an Ethiopian restaurant. And I'm gonna get you out.
MIKE: Hey what's wrong with your stomach?
[MIKE and I are in severe starvation, with bloated stomachs, exposed ribs and flies on their faces]
ME: We're in severe starvation. You look like this too.
MIKE: Oh no Rick! I can't die like this! White people don't die like this!
[Blood continues to come out of MIKE’S ass]
MIKE: Oh god Rick I'm menstruating!
[A lion stops in its tracks as it just scented MIKE'S blood]
ME: Mike? Did you hear something?
[MIKE and I both turn our heads and they're face-to-face with the lion. We scream as we run around the restaurant being chased by the lion until a single echoing gunshot is heard. From a distance a poacher approaches the killed lion, takes its skin off and wears it like a fur coat. A native African bushman enters the scene and starts eating from the carcass]
WAITRESS: Come. Now you eat.
[MIKE and I begin eating along with the bushman and swooping vultures. Moments later a Red Cross helicopter drops a bag of rice into the restaurant which is immediately stolen by rebels and Navy Seals help us get back home]